71 Things Emmett Cullen Does When Bored
by werenotobsessedwithedwardatall
Summary: A funny list with all sorts of things that our good friend Emmett might do when bored. One-shot.


Hey everyone! This is Ash and Alex. We haven't had anything for you for a while, but here we are with our longest list yet! So sit back, relax, and enjoy!

Disclaimer: Alex: Ash, my birthday is soon. I want Edward

Ash: No can do. Anyway, my birthday is first! And besides, I can't give you Edward because I don't own Twilight! Sadly….

Alex: Well, can I at least get a life size poster of Edward for my birthday?

Ash: You know it!

71 Things Emmett Cullen Does When Bored:

Force random members of the Cullen family to play strip poker

Set things on fire

Blow up cantaloupes, watermelons, and other pieces of fruit

Collect animal droppings and stuff them in the toes of Alice's shoes

Coat the keys of Edward's piano with the remaining droppings

Burn the medical records of all of Carlisle's patients

Find 75 most annoying things to do in an elevator

Do all 75

Dress up as Bella and try to convince Edward to sleep with him

Play "Secret Agent" in an attempt to find Carlisle's secret lover

Hum the Mission Impossible Theme Song while doing so

Wet pop rocks and put then right next to Edward's ear

When Edward complains pretend he doesn't know what he's talking about

Suggest that it's all those voices FINALLY getting back at him

Attempt to convince Jacob that the reason Bella wouldn't date him was because Edward had a huge man crush on him.

Dye his hair blond, carry a murse (A/N: Man Purse), and go shopping for women's clothes with Alice

Watch the Hannah Montana Movie over and over and over again

Get a singing coach

With his new knowledge, Sing Opera

Sing and dance to Barbie Girl

Change his ringtone to Sexyback

Play 'fetch' with Jacob…and Paul

And then tell them that they are good little puppies and offer them a dog treat

Force the members of the Cullen Family to play Iron Chef with him and then force the La Push Werewolves to judge

Go to a strip club

Pretend to be Bon Qui Qui at King Burger

Pour grease on Edward and Bella's bed

Make up his own version of Jingle Bells:

_Jingle Bells_

_Edward smells_

_It makes Bella beg_

_For him to take a long shower and to shave his legs_

_Hey!_

_Jingle Bells_

_Edward smells_

_It makes Bella miffed_

_Now she has gone quite insane_

_And will jump off a cliff_

Sing it to the whole family and laugh at Edward and Bella's faces when they hear it

Force the whole family to put on a fashion show

Demand that he be the underwear model

Video tape the show and then post it on YouTube

Also send a video of it to Abercrombie and insist that he is model material

Attempt to be ninja by swooping down randomly from the ceilings, scaring the crap out of the rest of the family

Cry when Rosalie tells him that watching _How to be Ninja _does not automatically make him a black belt

Visit a psychologist in reference to what Rosalie said

Fire the psychologist when he says that Rosalie is right

Hire himself as his new psychologist

Fire himself when it doesn't work

Go to and then fail out of medical school

Slap Edward when he says it's for the better because he would have made a crappy doctor

Buy out all the lingerie in Victoria's Secret

When the cashier asks who the lucky lady is, he cries out "GOD WHY IS EVERYONE SO SEXIST THESE DAYS!!!!"

Steal Alice's Porsche and paint it tie-dye

Then Write Peace, Love, 60s on the sides

Cross out the Apples on all the laptops in the house and then poorly draw a pear on top

With permanent marker

Replace all of Edward's music with heavy metal and punk (and a few 60s tracks too!)

Have sex with Rosalie on Edward's piano

While he's playing it

Constantly change his emotions while around Jasper

Then laugh at him

Tell Esme that he's having a gay affair

With Carlisle

Make her promise not to tell Rosalie

Steal all of Rosalie's bras and then hide them in Edward's drawers

Show Bella (without revealing who did it) then laugh at her shocked/horrified expression

Start keeping a diary with confessions of his love for Bella

Leave the diary out in places where everyone can see it

Offer to pay Bella money if she strips for him

Purchase a fairy princess outfit

Wear it around the house

And to school

Buy a bunch of stuffed animals

Then try and change them

When it doesn't work throw them out the window

Ask Rosalie if she thinks he'd look sexy with layers

Demand the whole family take him to the zoo even though he's been told time and time again that it's a stupid idea

Hide under Carlisle and Esme's bed and when they start getting it on, pop out from under, look annoyed and yell "HELO! I' M SORRY TO INTERRUPT BUT SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP HERE!"

Have an affair with a giant squid

Go on FanFiction

**A/N: Its our longest list yet! Yay! This was insanely fun to write and I hope it was insanely fun to read. So if you liked it, press that magic button and REVIEW!**

**Love,**

**Ash and Alex**


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